Lite pilot skämt
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Stewardesses do it in the air
Airline pilots do it straight and level
Reconnaissance pilots just look at it
Stewardesses do it all over the world.
Fighter pilots do it better
Bomber pilots do it with a big bang
It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune."
Q: What separates flight attendants from the scum of the earth?
A: The cockpit door!
Q: What is the difference between a flight attendant and a jet engine?
A: The jet engine stops whining at the gate
Q: How does a blind parachutist know when he's about to hit the ground?
A: His guide dog's leash goes slack.
Q: How does the Airbus A340 manage to climb?
A: By the bend of the earth!
Q: Why does the Pope kiss the ground each time that he lands ?
A: Did you ever fly with Alitalia ?
Q: What is the ideal cockpit crew? .......
A: A pilot and a dog...the pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.
Q: How many pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
Q: How do you know if there is a pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
Q: What do pilots use for birth control?
A: Their personality.
During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write with in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about US $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
A stormy flight aboard a Boeing aircraft; an off-duty airline stewardess is sitting next to a man in the grip of serious white-knuckle fever as he watches, through his porthole, the aircraft's wing bending and bouncing in the tempest. The stewardess tries to reassure him; she works in the industry and flies all the time, she tells him. There is nothing to worry about; the pilots have everything under control.
"Madam," he replies, "I am a Boeing engineer and we did not design this aircraft to do what it is doing."
Pilots are known for difuse fault reports:
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.
Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Lt. Green was out on his first solo flight in a T-38 and was feeling a bit cocky. He decided to see what ballistic flight was like and pulled the jet into a vertical climb.
During this climb he got a call from ATC as follows, "Ghost 53Z, from Approach. Say heading," to which the pilot responded "Ooh, up, sir."
Two members of the traffic police were out in the countryside with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 400 mph.
The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Tornado hurtled over their heads.
The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Tornado's target-seeker had locked on to the 'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack.
Luckily(?), the Tornado was operating unarmed.
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German Aviationterms:
AIRCRAFT---Der Fliegenwagen
JET TRANSPORT---Der Muchen Overgrossen Biggenmother Das Ist Fliegen
Highenfaster Mit All Der Mach Und Flightenlevels. (Built by Boeing)
PROPELLER---Der Airfloggen Pushenthruster
ENGINE---Der Noisenmaken Pistonpusher Das Turnens Der Airfloggenfan
Pushenthruster
JET ENGINE---Der Schreemen Skullschplitten Firespitten Smokenmaken
Airpushenbacken Thrustermaker Mit Compressorsqueezen Und Turbinespinnen
Bladenrotors. (Made by Pratt & Whitney)
CONTROL COLUMN---Der Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Schtick
RUDDER PEDALS---Der Tailschwingen Yawmaken Werks
PILOT---Der Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Tailschwingen Werker
PASSENGER---Der Dumbkopf Das Est Strappened En Der Baacken Mit Der Other
Dumbkopfs Das Est Expecten To Leave Undgo On Scheduledtimen Und Arriven mit
Der Luggagebags Somplaceneisen
STUDENT PILOT---Der Dumbkopf Das Learnen Fliegen Un Hopen To Jobenfinden Mit
Der Airlinens
FLIGHT INSTRUCTOR---Der Timenbuilder Mit Less Den 1000 Hrs
Multienginefliegen. Teachen Dumbkopfs To Fliegen Vile Waitenwatchen Fer Der
Letter Mit Der Joboffering Frum United
AIRLINE TRANSPORT PILOT---Das Grosse Overpaiden Und Under Werken
Whinencomplainer Biggen Schmuck Dat Fliegen Mit Das Big Airlinen
PARACHUTE---Der Stringencotten Das Est Usen To Floaten Der Tailschwingen
Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Werker Down To Earthen Ven Der Fliegenwagen Est
Kaputen
FAA---Der Friggenfliegen Dumbkopf Schmucks Das Maken Alder Rulens Und
Regulations
Helicopter --- Der Flingen Wingen Maschinen mit der Floppen Bladens dot ist
Fliegen by der Dumbkopfs vas iss too Stupiden for Knowen dees Maschinens ees
not Safen ver Fliegen.
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Tower: TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees
TWA 2341: Center, we're at 35'000 fet, how much noise can we make up here?
Tower: Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground control: "Last aircraft transmitting, indentify yourself immediately!"
Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored not f...ing stupid!"
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar ATC asked: "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff".
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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (speaking in german): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?".
Ground (in english): "if you want an answer you must speak in English".
Lufthansa (in english): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany, why must I speak English?".
Unknown aircraft answered in a beautiful British accent: "Because you lost the bloody war!..."
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, callsign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206, clear of the active runway"
Ground: "Speedbird 206, taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven".
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?".
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground I'm looking up our gate location now".
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, - And I didn't land..."
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